How To Manage Separation Anxiety With Your Child
Children are constantly growing, learning, and developing. But really, doesn’t it seem as though they are hitting a new milestone each week?!
Most often, these milestones are exciting developments and new skills such as rolling over, learning to crawl, holding their toys, or finding their voice. However, there are also milestones that can cause A LOT of frustration for parents.
And we’re going to focus on one of those stress inducing milestones today… separation anxiety.
Even though it may seem pointless, this phase of your child’s development actually comes with many benefits. The most common is that your child is learning that anxiety is a very normal and very common part of life, but they are able to learn this lesson while in a safe, comforting, and trusting environment (aka you).
Another positive of this stage is that your child is coming to understand that they can trust that you will be present and will continue to meet their needs even though you may not be directly visible to them.
These are big life lessons, so it’s no wonder there are a couple extra tears shed for this one…
Separation anxiety can begin to appear around 6 months of age (adjusted), and often peaks between 8-10 months of age.
Some signs that your child is experiencing this developmental milestone are:
increased clinginess
increased fussiness
crying/protesting sleep periods
sudden shyness around other people
“scared” cry whenever they cannot see you or are not physically near you
Now that you’ve learned a bit more about the details of separation anxiety (or maybe you skimmed through to find this part.. no judgment) here are four steps to help minimize the disruption that separation anxiety can cause on your child’s sleep.
Create structure.
Having a soothing, consistent bedtime routine will help minimize the fears your child has about being separated from you during the night. Children are reassured when they know and understand exactly what will happen each night.
Plan ahead and prepare for how you will respond to an increase in crying or unwanted behaviours before bed. Be confident in your plan and use a key phrase such as “Mommy loves you and will see you in the morning”. Avoid introducing any new habits that your child may become dependent on such as holding their hand or laying beside them as they fall asleep.
Stay consistent.
Once you have your plan, stick with it! Doing the exact same thing every night will create consistency and will teach your child that they are able to trust the plan.
Example:
Child A knows that they put their pyjamas on, read 2 books, get tucked in with a kiss, and that they will see your smiling face in the morning. Child B has no expectations for a bedtime routine, and sometimes gets a story but other times just a kiss, and then sometimes gets to sleep in your bed if they miss you during the night, but sometimes you take them back to their own bed in the middle of the night.
Which child do you think is going to struggle more with separation anxiety? If you said Child B then you are correct!
Even though Child A will go through the same developmental phases as Child B, a consistent and calming routine will help them move past this phase much more smoothly!
Remain calm.
I understand how frustrating and stressful this phase can be (trust me, I’ve been there!). But children are amazing at sensing our body language and emotions, so if we are getting more and more frustrated during bedtime then it will rub off on them and make it even that much harder for everyone involved.
If you find that you are getting frustrated, take a step back. Ask a partner or spouse to take over for a while or just take 5 minutes in a quiet place (if possible) to regain your composure before trying to help your child.
Play games.
Games that involve “going away” can help show your child that even though you are not currently visible, you will still return to them! Make this a fun activity for them - make sure to help them find you if they are having difficulty and reward them with excitement when they are successful in finding you. Examples include: playing peek-a-boo (variations: hide your face with your hands, with a cloth, behind a toy, behind a book) or playing hide & seek (variations: hide in an obvious location such as under a blanket, behind a curtain, or a chair).
This is also a great time to introduce your bedtime phrase, or something very similar, to your child. Say your phrase (something like “Mommy loves you and will be back!”) before walking around the corner to a separate room where they can no longer see you. Stay here for a VERY brief period of time, maybe 30 seconds, before returning. When you return, excitedly say “Mommy said she would come back, and here I am!” By doing activities like this, you are teaching your child to trust that you will return when you say you will, which will then carry over to sleep periods.
It’s important to note that if your child has struggled with sleep prior to this phase it may be more difficult to see change even when implementing my suggestions. But that doesn’t mean that it has to be this way forever! Click here to see how I can support you and your child in creating positive sleep changes!
